DON AND VLAD. A Play after the Frog and the Scorpion Fable, in Three Scenes, and 425 Words

Characters

Donald, a pouty American gent in his mid-sixties with an orange head of hair.

Vladimir, a slightly younger Russian guy, balding, small and trim.

Setting: The Kremlin and the White House, separated by the River of Time.

Scene 1.

Setting: The Kremlin. 2013. An expansive view from the window. The White House is rising across the River of Time. Vladimir and Donald sitting, legs splayed, in easy chairs. Both are still flushed from dropping in, announced, on the girls dressing room at the Ms. Universe Pageant. Both are gazing toward the White House.

VLADIMIR

Contemplating a run for the White House, Donald?

DONALD

Yes, Vladimir, thinking about it.

VLADIMIR

Could I hitch a ride, too? Incognito, of course. Always wanted to see what it's really like inside...

DONALD

Sure, Vladimir, but just do it so nobody can see you. Ok?

VLADIMIR

No problem, Donald. I wasn't a KGB colonel for nothing. 

Scene 2.

Setting: 2016. A raft on the River of Time. Trump, aft, his tie loosened, is steering erratically. Putin, in a wet suit but bare­-torso, is lying  on his stomach. His face, in a Joker mask, is hanging over the bow. He is paddling along with his hands, like a surfer on a surf board.

DONALD

To the right, Vlad, paddle to the right! Vlad! Vlad! are you listening?

VLADIMIR

Hush Donald, of course I am listening, but (stops paddling and raises his right hand) I may not be the only one who is listening, he-he-he…

DONALD

We’re almost there, Vlad! I can already see the American carnage. A good place to make land!

(The shore within reach, the two jump into the water, ditch the raft, and wade through the swamp towards the bank.)

Scene 3.

Setting: The stage is split between Putin's Kremlin digs and Trump's Oval Office. Between the two offices runs the River of Time. The year is 2017. Russia has just announced the expulsion of 755 American diplomats.

DONALD

(on a speaker phone)

What, Vlad, what? You mean 55, not 755?

VLADIMIR

No, Don, no. I know you can listen, Don. It’s seven hundred and seventy-five. Seven. Five. Five.

DONALD

Vlad, 755 of our diplomats?! I didn’t know we had so many.

VLADIMIR

I’ve told you, Don, Rex isn’t doing his job.

DONALD

But you're killing us, Vlad! Why can't you do something! 

VLADIMIR

Sorry, Don. Can't help it...

DONALD

But why, Vladimir, why!?

VLADIMIR

It's in my nature, Don...

(The sound of water rushing in. Walls crumble. Gargling sounds. Both drown.)

Curtain

Berkeley, 1 August 2017

Copyright © 2017 by Gregory Freidin